i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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