it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
