I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
