Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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