so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
