I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
