Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
