I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
