Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
