There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
