I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
