Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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