I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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