someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Randomize
