so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
