I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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