You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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