my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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