We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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