my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
