I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
