saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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