She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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