Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
