Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Mom said you looked used
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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