My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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