Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
