On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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