at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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