i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
