quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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