He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
