You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
