I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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