do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
