I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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