So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
