I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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