I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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