Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
