Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
