You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
