I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
