right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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