I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
