theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
