You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
