I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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