I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
