Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
