I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
