she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
