I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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