You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
